10 ways to spot a pretentious restaurant
You have to feel for Ryan Simpson, until this week head chef at The Goose, in Britwell Salome, Oxfordshire. He slaves away to win a Michelin star and within the month is out of a job because the pub owner thinks his food is “too poncey” and wants to go back to basics.
I have never been to The Goose, so can’t say who’s right and who’s wrong (even if I did like the sound of Simpson’s roasted wood pigeon and carpaccio of Chiltern Hills muntjac) but if it was only half full on a Saturday night, as the owner claims, it must have been like a morgue on a Tuesday, and no number of Michelin stars can sort that out. Clearly something was wrong, and the easiest thing to blame is always the food.
There is nothing wrong with fancy cooking — or, indeed, formal service — if that is what customers want. The problem comes when a restaurant’s ambition is hopelessly at odds with reality, when both front of house and the kitchen fall back on a lazy notion of what fine dining should be — in other words, they resort to ponciness. Watch out for the telltale signs:
The greeting Hospitality should be the watchword of any good restaurant, and this is their chance to put you at your ease. That doesn’t involve making you stand there like an asylum seeker while they check if your name is indeed on their reservations list. Would it hurt to take you at your word? Beware also the pompous, “Would sir care to have a drink in the library bar first?”
It’s supposed to sound all convivial and relaxed and homely but it’s just a blatant attempt to pin you with a bar bill.
Atmosphere Decor-wise there are no hard rules. Heston Blumenthal’s Fat Duck in Bray has three Michelin stars but it still looks to me like a provincial pasta joint (in a good way, Heston, in a good way). Equally, I have had riotously good evenings amid the Art Deco splendour of The Berkeley. What you are looking for more than looks is noise. There is nothing more infectious than silence in a dining room, and nothing kills an atmosphere like it. You want to be surrounded by a low buzz of excitement and anticipation.
Dress code Well, there just shouldn’t be one, should there? I mean, if I ask you round to my house, I hope you won’t pitch up in your PJs but I’m not going to turn you away if you do. You just may not be invited back. Dress codes should be self-regulated by mankind’s desire to conform — and if someone does dress inappropriately it will give us all something to talk about, which can only be a good thing (see above).
Menu It used to be that the sure indicator of pretension was a menu written in French, but not even French places do that any more. The modern cliché is that peculiar, no-nonsense, Ur-British shorthand so popular now: “Rabbit, peas, artichoke”, or “Black pudding, scallop, bacon”. Mind you, at least these get it right in limiting the dish to three main flavours. Any more and, unless you are in the hands of a most skilful chef, you are in for a disappointment. Too many chefs think that spending three months washing pots at Claridge’s makes them the new Gordon Ramsay. It doesn’t.
Presentation This is the category in which a restaurant’s ponciness can go off the scale. Dribbles of this, towers of that — some chefs think that every plate must be a minor work of art. While I agree that we eat first with our eyes, let’s not lose sight of what is really important here: the taste. The more artfully tweaked a dish, the longer it has spent under the heat lamp and the more closely the chef has breathed over your plate. And, as the customer, I’m only going to mess it up anyway, and feel a terrible klutz.
Service Staff in properly smart restaurants do the bare minimum. They take your order, they bring food to your table, they take away the empty plates. Please note, they do not continually refill your wine glass; keep asking if everything is all right; point to your dish with their little finger and tell you that the salmon is the salmon and the shellfish veloute is the shellfish veloute (I know, I ordered the damn thing). They also smile occasionally.
Tableware I have round plates and bowls at home. I use them for all sorts of things: soup, pasta, fish, meat, puddings. Curiously, I don’t have octagonal plates, I don’t have square plates, I don’t have crescent-shaped bowls or huge-rimmed bowls like the sombreros of Mexican midgets. Come to think of it, I don’t know how I manage.
Freebies At some places you expect a few inter-course freebies. It’s all part of the multi-starred experience and makes the £300 bill just a tiny bit easier to swallow. But, let’s be honest, they are never a deal-breaker and no amount of truffled cauliflower cappuccino is going to make up for a mediocre meal. Unless they are genuinely innovative, they are just a pretentious affectation.
Loos In the very smartest restaurants a waiter will escort you to the loo. This is barely tolerable in The Ritz; in a lesser establishment it is positively freaky, but it doesn’t stop them trying occasionally. Leave us alone. And while we’re at it, don’t be coy: “Ladies” and “Gents” causes so much less embarrassment than a picture of a peacock and a hen.
The farewell Curiously, the more up itself the restaurant, the worse they are at saying goodbye. The maître d’ who so studiously ignored you on arrival will still have his nose in the reservations book, doing his “very important business”. Every meal should start and end with a smile. Is that too much to ask?