How Do Successful Women Keep Their Husbands Happy?
by Eleanor Mills
from The Times OnlineThis week an American journal called Sex Roles has published a report on Female Breadwinners. In America, nearly a third of households have a woman bringing in the main wage; in the UK 11 per cent of women outearn their men – predicted to be 25 per cent or more by 2030 (following the trends of girls massively outperforming boys at school and university and the consequent genderquake in the professions: already 60 per cent of new solicitors are women).
Of course being a mum and the main source of the family income is not an easy gig; I call it doing the double shift. The researchers found that many women denigrate their husbands’ contribution around the house to make themselves feel better about their absence.
It is true that many FBWs are superwomen – I bumped into one at a party the other day who told me that for years she had earnt all the money but also organised absolutely everything around the house; her husband was supposed to be an architect but didn’t do much of that. She would be shooting up to London on the train from the family home in Surrey to put in a sixteen hour day while arranging the kids’ play dates and running the family shop from her Blackberry.
The research suggests that women do this to still feel involved with their families while being absent and say their husbands are useless around the house to make themselves feel better.
That is not a pattern I recognise from my own life, or that I would recommend. Sure much of the kids’ social lives fall to me to arrange but my husband is a domestic God. He shops, plans what we are going to eat (I cook), tidies up, organises the household and is much neater and more houseproud than I am. He is also a fantastic warm, patient and loving father; I wouldn’t last a day without all his efforts; I may earn more money but we are equals, partners, we just contribute in different spheres.
There are flashpoints, of course. On those days when one of my girls is ill but I’ve got to be at the office for a crucial 9am meeting, it is he who takes the day off. Often he’s not thrilled about it, but the pure economics of the situation mean that my job has to take priority. He knows that – but it is never something that I would use against him in an argument or at any other time.
The inbuilt imbalance of power means that care of the male ego is an integral part of making an FBW marriage work. All the women I know in that role have different strategies.
One friend advocates having sex and making supper even when you don’t feel like it; her view is that men are simple creatures and if you satisfy their physical needs you can get away with pretty much anything else. (It certainly works for her…)
My husband is an obsessive Arsenal fan; he has a season ticket and a free pass from me to go to as many matches as he likes.
But while researching a big piece for the Sunday Times Magazine recently I talked to many younger couples where - perhaps because of a more entrenched sense of equality in their generation - the ego massage seemed to be much less necessary and the men less worried about being seen as emasculated because they took on the domestic role. Interestingly this wasn’t just a middle class issue – the recession has laid waste to many blue collar industries both here and in America, so increasingly across the classes women can get jobs while men are forced to take on more of the childcare.
I spent one of the most moving and inspiring mornings of my life at a fathers' group in Llanelli Wales where a group of tough unemployed Welshmen had redefined themselves and masculinity by taking great pride and self satisfaction in being really fantastic parents. Perhaps more Female Bread Winners are the culmination of the feminist dream that the sexes should be more equal.
for the record: I am an avid supporter of the stay at home mum; I would be very happy managing my household 24/7, and would never view it as anything less than an equally important role to the breadwinner.
